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Non-Bikers say the funniest things -
Bob Pickett suffers the comments of those that know not of which they speak...
There are things you just know are going to happen. The weather changing as the year goes by; repeats of 'Only Fools and Horses' for a few weeks in between season line-up changes on the BBC… and some very odd comments from non-bikers when they find out you ride.
Those of you that have been riding for some time will probably have heard every one of these. But for those of you new to the fraternity, prepare to hear these lines, over and over again as people discover you are "One of those bikers then…"
At most petrol stations during the Winter months: "Don't you get cold on that thing?"
(No, I have specially made protective clothing that keeps me warmer than you are)
At most petrol stations during the Summer months "Don't you get hot on that thing?"
(No, I have specially made protective clothing that keeps me cooler than you are)
At most petrol stations during Spring and Autumn "Don't you get wet on that thing?"
(No, I have specially made waterproof clothing from head to foot - I am going to get home dry and snug as a bug in a rug - unlike the drowned rat you will turn into)
At every petrol station, even though you parked up on your bright and shiny bike right in front of their noses and they looked at you for ages before deciding to allow you to fill up "Which pump?", followed by "Do you need a receipt" (actually I don't mind this one so much, despite the obvious idea that all bikers are despatch riders. Occasionally I DO need a receipt, so it saves me a little time)
It doesn't get better away from petrol stations.
From the other (non riding) half of a biker, who hears you say you have a bike "How big is it?" So you relate engine size. "How fast does it go?" So you relate speed. If the non-bikers other half has a bike with a larger engine capacity than yours (no matter what the bike), the next question will be something along the lines of "Well how fast would a 750cc S U Z U K I go then?" The marque and the engine size is guaranteed to be the only thing they know, so they must s t r e s s the name as it has to be important and a bigger engine must go faster than a little one, eh?
(It is always - repeat ALWAYS best to smile sweetly and say "I'm not sure about that one" - trying to explain why a CBR600F can go faster than an 883 Sportster really isn't worth the bother)
Talking about Harleys, at some stage you are bound to get asked "Do you ride a Harley-Davidson?" If you don't and tell them, it is an odds-on certainty that the follow up line will be something like "Oh I bet you wish you did though. I saw a Harley-Davidson the other day parked in Covent Garden. It was a Harley-Davidson Virago… I know the last bit as it was written on the tank. Harley-Davidson make big bikes don't they? Because all the little bikes are made by Honda? I think so, because they are the ones I always see deliver the pizza… why don't pizza delivery people use Harley-Davidsons? With those big seats, they could put lots more pizzas on them and save themselves loads of time, couldn't they? Have you ever delivered pizzas? Well you do ride a bike…"
(Just let them ramble on like this and dream of riding on an open road with no cars or anyone else to disturb your ride… don't worry, they won't notice you're not paying attention)
Of course, you'll almost certainly never hear anything like the question I got at work once - I took the day off, which just happened to be the same day as a well-publicised Hell's Angel funeral. Next day "Oh, did you go to that funeral then? Well you do ride a motorbike"
Remember: Ear plugs can be used when off the bike…
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