'He lay sprawled, too wicked to move, spewed up like a broken spider-crab on the tarry shingle of the morning. The light did him harm, but not so much as looking at things did: he resolved, having done it once, never to move his eyeballs again. A dusty thudding in his head made the scene before him beat like a pulse. His mouth had been used as a latrine by some small creature of the night, then as its mausoleum. During the night too, he'd somehow been on a cross-country run and then been expertly beaten up by secret police. He felt bad.'

From Lucky Jim by Kingsly Amis

We have all been there, haven't we? The bloodshot eyes, the thudding head, the churning stomach. In other words, the hangover.

It is believed the hangover was discovered some 500,000 years ago, around eight hours after a Cro-Magnon found that eating some over-ripe berries created a very pleasant feeling and loss of balance. Since then, mankind has been searching for the perfect hangover cure.

To help with the search, I will first explain how and why hangovers occur (apart from the obvious reason, drinking too much) and then provide some of the more popular remedies handed down over the years from one sufferer to another.

Why do we get hangovers?
One of the basic problems with alcohol is the fact it is a diuretic. This means that is suppresses the production of Anti-Diuretic-Hormone (ADH for short). To put it bluntly, alcohol makes you go to the toilet one hell of a lot. This makes you dehydrated and throws the body one wicked curve ball.

If you cannot avoid drinking too much (and, on occasion, who can?) the choice of drink is a strong factor in the level of the hangover. For another problem with alcohol is that it contains nasty little things called congeners. The more congeners, the more men drilling holes in your head in the morning. Dark drinks like rum have more congeners and should be avoided when going on a 'bender'. There is an old saying about the office party. Avoid the giggly young things drinking rum and coke and make a bee-line for the solitary matron consoling herself on neat vodka. Not only will she be more grateful but she will be able to make you breakfast and drive you home in the morning.

The cure?
When it comes to a cure, you have a nice cup of strong black coffee and it picks you up, doesn't it? Trouble is, while the influx of caffeine into the drink-ravaged system will help for a short time, caffeine also happens to be a diuretic, so once it wears off you are in a worse state than before.

The ancient Greeks and Romans used thought that wearing vine leaves, eating soil and putting resin in the wine would ward off the hangover (the latter practice is continued to this day in drinks like retsina and ouzo. From personal experience I find it makes them taste so bloody foul that you have to get wrecked just to get rid of the flavour). Of course none of these work and eating soil may well kill you, hence the saying 'Kill or Cure'.

Both the Greek and Roman Empires fell, there may be a connection. Mind you, it was the Greeks who insisted that rubbing goose droppings into the scalp was a cure for baldness. It may well be, but you would end up the smelliest, loneliest hairy person in the world.

Modern times have brought modern methods and a range of assorted cocktails to bring you round. Here are three of the more popular ones:

Prairie Oyster
One egg yolk
1/4 pint tomato juice
One level dessert spoon Worcestershire Sauce
One level teaspoon Cayenne pepper
Six drops Chilli vinegar
One level teaspoon rock salt
One single measure brandy
Pour into a glass and down as quickly as possible
(This can also be turned into a Prairie Hen, the only difference being the addition of a whole egg)

Corpse Reviver
One third brandy
One third Fernet Branca (Underberg can be used)
One third white Creme de Menthe

Shake with ice, strain and serve

The Jeeves Cocktail Book Corpse Reviver
One third sweet Vermouth
One third Calvados
One third Brandy

Stir and strain into glass

What have all three of the above got in common? You've guessed it, they all contain alcohol, which is exactly what caused the problem in the first place, giving us a 'Hair of the Dog' solution

There IS an official Hair of the Dog recipe, as follows:

1oz Scotch
1.5oz Honey
Shake vigorously (if you can stand the noise) with shaved ice and serve.

Sooner or later the 'Hair of the Dog' will wear off and you will be back to the same sorry state as you were in the first place, but at least you were able to enjoy yourself for a while before it all went pair-shaped again.

Desperandum
If you are really desperate, you could always try a prayer to Saint Jude, the Patron Saint of Lost Causes. Which is another way of saying there is no real cure for a hangover, short of waiting for it to go away. If you do find anything that works for you, stick with it and good luck!